Sometime last week, Ezekiel and I had a huge fight when he found out that his doctor’s office was requesting additional information from his therapist. Like every fight we’ve ever had, we bear pretty equal responsibility — I was being the cold bitch that I sometimes turn into when we fight, and at the end of it all I told Ezekiel I felt like he was acting like a child and that I was used to him being an adult. Perhaps a shitty thing to say, but I tried to have at least a little grace as I said it. We recovered and forgave each other. Then on Friday we found out that he was approved for hormone treatment, and he scheduled an appointment for his first injection on Tuesday. That would be two days from today.
As soon as I heard the news I felt a bit like I had stepped off a cliff. I think I hadn’t really really really believed that it was going to happen. So all day I was labile, distracted, and anxious. Finally toward the end of the day, I decided to admit I was having feelings and see what they were all about. The first thing that I realized is that I don’t really want Ezekiel to change. I hadn’t realized before how much Ezekiel had been parked at one particular place in his transition — using masculine pronouns and name and looking transmasculine in the world, which I would describe as looking masculine, but with some female features and voice. There’s two things that I like about this. Number one, with Ezekiel at the place he is now, we still look obviously queer. Anyone that gives us a good once over can see that we’re not your average hetero couple, and I still can’t imagine living in any other space. The other thing I like is that I really dig folks in Ezekiel’s particular space. A lot. So unlike most of the rest of his transition so far, I realized that my desires and his don’t perfectly align. I’m not sure I want him to leave here. Granted, I can see lots of great things about T — things that I will like, in addition to the many things that I know Ezekiel wants. But I’d be happy to stay with Ezekiel as he is right now forever, especially if he had top surgery.
So I was feeling sad, and wistful about a place that I’ll miss. I think I’ll always remember this time really fondly. The past year has been hard in many ways, but it’s also been amazing. As I’ve said a number of times, I got to fall in love all over again, and when you’ve been with your partner for over 10 years, that’s pretty lucky.
Later in the day, as I continued thinking, my feelings changed. I realized that even if Ezekiel didn’t go on hormones, things would still change. My guess is that he’d get more unhappy and it would get harder to connect with him as the months went on with this dream deferred. I thought back to my comment about him acting like a child, and I realized that it was actually an interesting analogy. Back in January, my spouse was an adult. Then he had to back up a little and become a child all over again. Without backing up, there wouldn’t have been room to change and let another self break through, so he became an adolescent. And now he’s ready to grow up again. Only I really enjoyed his second childhood. Like with my real kids, he sometimes drove me nuts, and I sometimes responded like an angry adult with a stick up my ass. But someday my kids will go through puberty and I imagine it might feel a bit like I feel now — happy for them to move forward into the next stage of their lives, but sad that childhood is over and that things must change.
Framing it this way gave me a way to grieve a little for this passage. I know things are going to be amazing for us over the next year — happy, tragic, frustrating, sad, anxious, and changing, just like this past year has been. I’m feeling really drawn to the words Joe Steven’s wrote in Coyote Grace’s Ghost Boy, “I wish she hadn’t left here so soon.” Except for me, it’s not “her” that I’m going to be missing, it’s this man I fell in love with this past year. I’m excited to get to know him again as he grows into yet another new self, but this man of 2012 will be leaving me soon, and he’s touched me so much with his spirit and his determination and his honesty. So I’m not going to say goodbye, because I can’t. I’ll just tell him that I can’t wait to learn how much there is to love about him on the other side.