Last week, Ezekiel had his doctor’s appointment, the one where he tells the doctor he wants to go on T. This has been a long time coming, and we’ve been waiting and waiting for the appointment to arrive. Honestly, I’ve been fairly ambivalent. I feel great about most of the physical changes that T brings, but I’ve been worried about the emotional changes. I’ve been worrying that I’m going to wake up in two months and find I’m not with the same man I’ve grown to love. Will he become distant? Will he want to stop talking? Will he have a flat affect? Will he stop processing things in the absurd depth that we both now enjoy?
We are all changing all the time. Ezekiel certainly isn’t the person I married, but I’m not the person he married either. We all change all the time, but usually the rate of change is pretty slow. So, sure, if you aren’t paying attention you might wake up in two years and find that you don’t even know your spouse. But given the degree to which Ezekiel and I pay attention to our relationship, we notice the changes bit by bit and adjust. I expect that when you go on T, rate of change is much faster, fast enough that we could end up with some surprises.
Ezekiel and I have talked a lot about both of our fears as we head into the next phase, and at some point I realized (with Ezekiel’s help) that we get to craft this transition just like all of the other transitions we’ve been through. We’ve gone through lots of tough shit before, and we’re pretty good at it. It’s not out of our hands whether or not we communicate well as T starts taking over his endocrine system. We’ll be having regular check-ins, getting support, and generally pushing each other to be the best we can be. That made me feel much better, remembering that Ezekiel and I are the ones in the drivers’ seats. But I’ve heard plenty of horror stories from partners of transitioning men going on T, so those doubts and fears were still there.
They were there until a couple of nights ago, when Ezekiel was telling me about a pair of shoes. He recently went through our shoe bins and threw out a lot of shoes that we don’t wear, including the winter boots he wore for the last two winters. They are technically women’s boots, but in a style that looks like a man’s boot. Ezekiel told me that he was thinking about how happy those boots had made him, even when neither of us had much of a clue about his gender issues. He said that over the last couple of years, he’d look down at those boots when he walked and feel so good about wearing them and good about how they looked on him.
That’s when I realized that everything is great, and I can stop worrying. If a simple pair of boots that in their very small way confirmed and supported his gender could make him so happy, then the testosterone is going to be great for him. He’s going to be very happy with it. Yes, we’re going to have big adjustments ahead, and, yes, some of those may be difficult adjustments, but personally, I like big, challenging adjustments (they keep me on my toes and keep me honest), and I think I’m really going to like having a spouse who loves what he sees in the mirror as much as he loved those boots.