The appointment went well. I liked the doctor a lot. It was a little awkward to try to explain why I want to do this (which she wanted to know about in more detail than I anticipated). The real answer seems somehow both too long (see much of the writing here) and  too short (I want to), but I think she gets my deal.

She was leaving plenty of room for all sorts of subtlety in why I might want to move forward with hormones, lots of explicitly stated room for any sort of non-binary space I might occupy. I think there’s a fair amount of subtlety in there in how I identify, but as far as hormones go, my deal really isn’t very subtle. I pretty much want all the physical changes likely to come with T, with the possible exception of going bald, though I’d be OK with that if I get a beard as part of the deal. And hell, I shaved my head when I was 18, I can do it again. I want this both for how I feel in my own body and for how I’m perceived (I’m really ready to be done being seen as a teenage boy). I feel a little more cautious about the emotional territory, which is why I want to go as slow as I need to in order for all of us to adjust to the new terrain. The only real hesitation for me is the possibility of health risk. At this point, those fears aren’t enough to keep me from moving forward, though they are enough to motivate me to take really good care of myself (which I am).

The doctor also asked quite a bit about my personal situation, and seemed very interested in my relationship. I’m pretty happy to talk about my relationship, but I did wish a little bit that Gail had been with me. I know things are fine, or actually way better than fine, and I can say that, but I think people are a little more likely to actually believe Gail. But even she says she feels like people don’t believe her sometimes, like she couldn’t possibly really be quite as enthusiastic about her suddenly trans partner as she actually is.

My labs should come back tomorrow. Then I need to get cleared through one more hoop at the clinic (the “trans care team” needs to approve me, but my doctor is on that “team” and she seemed to think all would be fine). It’ll probably be 2-4 weeks until I get an injection. That somehow seems both way too soon and really far away.

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