I don’t buy my own. With a few exceptions, I have always relied on Ezekiel to buy underpants for himself and pick some up for me while he’s at it. Friday night I kind of lost my shit because I realized that unless I want to wear men’s briefs, I’m now going to have to buy my own underpants. I started crying about this. I kid you not.
Now, I am quite spectacularly lazy about buying clothing, but its not worth crying over, so Ezekiel and I both wondered what was really going on when I started blubbering. What I figured out is this: I have tended to think of Ezekiel as another copy of myself, one that completes me and takes my place as needed. If he buys underpants, then I have underpants. If he makes a friend, I have a friend too. If he’s open and honest with people about who he is, then I’m close to those people. If I want to know how to be a great person in the world, I look to him, and sometimes just let him be that person for me. If I want to be a strong, powerful, and caring woman, surely I can have him to do that for me too.
So when I realized that Ezekiel wasn’t going to be buying underpants for me anymore, I realized that he and I are different people. For fucks sake, he’s a man and I’m a woman. Crap. Once I actually got that through my head, I realized that we’ve been different for a long time. And then I started to feel lonely, and then I started crying. I don’t want to be by myself, expected to be my own person. I don’t want to be the woman in the relationship unless there’s another woman to be there with me. It’s fine for Ezekiel to be a man, and he is a damn fine and sexy man, but I wish he would be a woman too. I wish he’d keep buying my underpants, and not because he loves me and likes to do things for me, but because we’re the same and his underpants are my underpants.
But they’re not. And when I realized that I also realized that I’ve never really liked the underpants he bought when he wore girl underpants! I was always kind of wishing he’d buy something a little more girly. Holy shit, I’ve been wearing the wrong underpants for ten years because I got myself confused with someone else. Now I get to be my own person, and its apparently OK for me to be different from Ezekiel So maybe it’s a little sad not to be exactly the same, but it’s also kind of exciting, and I get to have a lot nicer underpants.