I was scanning a list of titles in a collection of essays on trans stuff, and hit on a title that included the word “hunger.”
I haven’t read that essay. So far I’ve only read 1/2 of one essay in that particular book, but when I scanned that table of contents I thought, “Oh. That’s it. That’s what this feels like. I feel really hungry.”
I continue to be frustrated at my inability to explain how my particular version of being trans feels. I said before that my craving to be more and more masculine is like a drug, like I change just one more thing and I get my fix. I think I can go back, that I can stop anytime, but it turns out I can’t and then moments later it’s not enough and I need more.
But that one word captured it better. I feel really hungry, like I was hungry for this for decades. With each change, for a little while I feel sated, but of course it isn’t enough. How could it be? The analogy isn’t perfect, but hungry at least captures better how this is coming from somewhere deep inside me, that maybe it’s even a normal feeling (if a sometimes frighteningly strong one), and that what I’m craving might actually be what I need. Hungry might let me trust myself more.