Yesterday, Lyn told me that she might be trans. This was not really news to me, but things feel different now that trans is on the table. It’s like I’ve got this ringing in my ears that I can’t get out. I don’t want to feel this way, but I do, so I think I just have to let go and have the feelings. I can’t tell if I’m afraid, or sad, or angry, or what. I just feel blank. So how do I break through that to some real feelings?
Well, maybe I just need to imagine it.
So here we are in the future. I live with my husband, Ezekiel (that would be Lyn’s male name), and our two children.
Shit, I think this is the problem with dating my wife’s alter-ego who happens to be a guy. What if I have to end up letting go of my wife? I really like this new guy. He’s sexy and awesome, and I love our connection. But I still love Lyn and I am not ready to let her go. When I committed to Lyn it was forever, but maybe forever won’t be what I thought. I know that I still get to have the same person, but in some sense I don’t. If Lyn is trans and her higher self is calling her to become Ezekiel, then Lyn will go away, or at least she’ll get much much smaller, and I won’t have her in the same way anymore.
I think this happens to everyone that’s in a long term relationship — at some point the person that you are with is no longer the person you fell in love with. It’s just that generally you don’t even notice the transition because it takes long time. Lyn now isn’t the same person I fell in love with. So much about her has changed. She’s a grownup now, a parent, a person with a career. But she’s still a she.
And this even completely ignores my worries that Ezekiel, no matter what he thinks right now, won’t want to be with me forever. If someone can change so much that they change their gender, Lyn can certainly become Ezekiel and change enough that she/he doesn’t want to be with me. I don’t thing that she/he would want to do that, but anything seems possible right now.
OK, that last bit is taking things too far and moping. I really can feel confident that our relationship can weather this transition, and I don’t have to see testosterone and the FTM boys club as being a threat to my relationship.
I think the truth is that as exciting as it has been to get a glimpse of Ezekiel, it will break my heart to lose Lyn. I know that Ezekiel will have even more, and that it is a bigger self that Lyn is growing into, but I’m feeling a little bratty. I want what I have right now, and I don’t want it to change. But the truth really is that I know this is like Lyn 2.0 and that Ezekiel will rock.