I’ve been meaning to write a post for a long time, and haven’t been doing it. But this week, I cut myself off of surfing an any trans/genderqueer-related issues. That’s worked out well, since I know that the internet doesn’t have the answer, but that’s never stopped me from obsessively looking toward the internet, hoping for that answer. Without surfing to numb me out, then I have a little energy for writing.
In the last several weeks, Lyn has spent a lot of time trying very hard not to be trans. This is a bit of a trick, since she’s thinking much of the time about how she looks, how she’s dressed, whether she’s binding, when she can pack next, etc. But if I had a nickle for every time if she asked me if this was all in her head, or claimed it was all in her head, or says that she thinks its just about sex, or that she worries that she’s making something from nothing…well, I’d be able to treat myself to a nice dinner out.
Recently I think she’s allowed herself to imagine that she might be trans. I’ve been trying to gently encourage her to do that for a little while now. But now that she’s actually done it, it feels a bit different. I feel more scared than I did before. I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I feel a little sad. I feel worried. I feel like I shouldn’t feel any of these ways because there’s nothing really different today from yesterday.