A double of days ago, Lyn had some great realizations about the gender questioning she is doing. The dominant narrative for trans men includes having “always known”, having body dysphoria, and fixing something that is wrong. I don’t think this is the narrative for all trans men, but I’ve read a lot of essays and weblogs at this point, and these components are present in many stories. But those elements don’t resonate with Lyn. A couple of days ago, she realized that whatever path she’s on, it can be a path about growth and adding things that are amazing to an already wonderful life, not about fixing things that are wrong. Over the last couple of days, it’s felt like a lovely place to be, for both of us.
Saturday, we got to have a date, just the two of us, because my mom took both kids. We saw Hunger Games, ate some Vietnamese food, and talked a lot about gender and sexuality. One thing that has been difficult is how focused on sex this whole process is for us. It makes us both worry that there’s nothing real going on — just some standard role-playing in the bedroom. But as we talked, we realized that sex really is bigger than just what happens between the sheets, and it is really important. Since we’re queer, we should have known this for ages — after all, being a lesbian is a huge part of my identity, and there are some people that might claim that’s just about who I sleep with. I should know better.
And then there’s the issue of that identity, the lesbian one. For years, my identity as a lesbian has been largely a social identity. Yes, I have had lots of different kinds of sex, and I have enjoyed sex, but to me being a lesbian is about being in a committed relationship with a woman. I’m starting to see that there’s a whole other side to my sexual preference — the sexual side. And it may be that that side is a little more complicated that simply “lesbian.”
We also had a round of feeling settled and comfortable, and then getting more confused this weekend. Lyn’s revelation that her own process could be one of positive addition, rather than fixing what’s broken, had her half-convinced that there was nothing really big going on, but by the end of the weekend, we were both back to feeling overwhelmed with changes — happy and excited, but scared.