When Lyn was pregnant with Ira, I wrote about how talk about the donor, and about Leigh’s resemblance to me, was a little painful. Things have changed quite a lot in this area since Ira was born.
For one thing, both Lyn and I are more comfortable with donor issues. We’ve talked to Leigh about the donor, and talked to her about other kids who have the same donor. We often look for excuses to bring up the donor or donor siblings so that we will all get more comfortable talking about the subject, and they’ll be an easy, matter-of-fact issues for both of our children. Honestly, I used to feel some misplaced anger at the donor for his intrusion into our lives. I’ve done enough work at this point that I mostly feel gratitude. We wouldn’t have our children without him. And our kids are so great, how can I not feel some affection for a man that they are so closely connected with?
Lyn and I have also gotten used to the fact that each of our bio-kids is the spitting image of the bio-mom. Ira looks just like Lyn and Leigh looks just like me. A lot of this comes down to coloring — Lyn is fair, as is Ira, and Leigh is darker like me, but the resemblance is impossible to deny. But it doesn’t chafe much any more — it’s just a fact of our lives and of theirs.
At least some of our comfort with the donor and the resemblances in our family has to do with the fact that we switched uteri for our second. Our whole family feels closely knit together. Lyn and I have both taken turns been the bio-mom and the non-bio-mom, so we each have a perspective on both experiences, and we also each have a connection to the donor. Because we each have a child that we are not genetically connected to, we don’t feel genetic ties as an imbalance or a threat to our family.