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Here’s your new word of the day: Couvade, otherwise known as sympathetic pregnancy. All of the material around it calls it a condition of expectant fathers, ignoring those of us non-gestational parents who happen to be women. But whatever — I think I may have it. Of course, in my case it’s complicated by the fact that I am actually trying to trick my body into thinking I’m pregnant. Apparently it’s working.

Aside from some breast swelling (which means that the lactation-induction project is on track so far), my biggest symptom is food cravings. I have intense round-the-clock craving for chocolate of any kind. If you have any, please send it to my house. Don’t bother with small amounts of really good chocolate; send a 5 pound bag of M&Ms.; Over the weekend I was settling down for a snack when Lyn asked me, in a somewhat accusatory tone: “What are you eating?” It was cheese dipped in kosher salt, which is quite good actually, but it had never occurred to me to try it before. Not having any chocolate at hand, I moved on to raisins after that, and that’s when I got the great idea to melt cheese over a mixture of raisins and chocolate. Throw an olive or two on top and I’d be in heaven.

My other symptom is hip pain. I can no longer sleep without a pillow between my knees. What do you think happens when you complain about your hip pain to a pregnant lady? (Here’s a hint: it involves laughter. Directed at you.)

So I throw it out to you other non-gestational parents. Do you have any pregnancy symptoms to share? Please, I don’t want to be alone in my whining.