For the first time since Ira’s birth, I’m on my way to a professional conference. For five days, someone else will do the cooking and I won’t have to clean up after anybody (well, other than myself a little bit). I can easily take a shower every day if I want to (without any children asking to get in), and sleep past 5:00 am every single day! I’ll also get to stay up late talking science and drinking wine with my colleagues, with no worries about leaving work in time for dinner or daycare pickup. I get five whole days to focus on science that I enjoy and hang out with grown-ups. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy almost everything about taking care of my kids (I even enjoyed waking up with Ira very early this morning. He was very snuggly.), but still, this is a treat.
Even better, I get to do this without one shred of guilt. Because Gail and I have always made sure we each participate in all aspects of caring for our kids, I may be missed, but my absence won’t cause a huge change in routine for the kids. There will be fewer piggy-back rides for Leigh, and maybe a bit more rough-housing for Ira without my constant reminders of “be careful!”, but by and large, their days will be as usual. Gail will certainly be tired when I come home, but my mother-in-law has stepped in to help (and she’s the kind of mother-in-law who actually helps), and Gail knows I do the same for her (and I did, just a couple weeks ago, when she went to a conference). In fact, we both find we enjoy extended time on our own with the kids in a lot of ways. Life is a little simpler, even if a bit more grueling. We get into a nice rhythm, enjoying a feeling of general competence at this whole parenting gig (some of the time, anyway).
Upon return from her travels a couple weeks ago, Gail reported that upon hearing the ages of her kids, many folks would exclaim “Oh, it must be so hard to be away!” Never one to play the maternal martyr, her answer was an unabashed “Nope! I’m loving it! This is great!” I intend to take the same attitude, confident that my wife and kids are sailing along just fine without me, and profoundly grateful that we are both able to enjoy these work obligations and opportunities with relative ease.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
So. New reader here. Coming late to the equal parenting gig and not sure that I buy into it. But still curious enough to investigate! I’m putting aside induced lactation, since it really only applies to lesbian couples, plus my youngest children are 3 and will *hopefullly* be done nursing soon enough. In theory it makes some sense, but it seems to require a level of fiscal comfort that most people don’t have.
I think there is a reason why babies first bond with one person (ie, the person who feeds them) and then branches out to the others who also care for the child. While that may not be convienent for the primary caregiver (the one with milk) it what is best for the child. I feel huge satisfaction in knowing that my older children have different needs from their two parents. Equal, but very different and that came about from very unequal parenting in the early days. But, clearly, I’m not so convinced of that that I stopped reading right away!
Interesting stuff. I’ll be back.
Welcome Heather! On the fiscal comfort piece, I’d say if anything, ESP requires greater flexibility than most working parents are able to muster from their jobs, not necessarily more fiscal comfort, and in fact you can come out ahead with and ESP arrangement, at least with regard to long-term financial security, though that’s probably another post entirely. If you haven’t already, check out Marc and Amy Vachon’s book on ESP. Their money chapter is quite well done (actually, the whole book is well done — and yes we know them, and think they’re great, and were interviewed for the book, so we might be a bit partial…)
As for the necessity for a baby to forge a bond with one primary caregiver (i.e. the nursing mom), I’m not sure I buy it. Strong bonds with multiple close caregivers (in our case two “primary” parents and a very involved grandmother), even very early on, gives both kids and parents more resources, and can help forge very strong family bonds for all members. I really loved this recent post at Raising My Boychick that hit on themes along these lines:
http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2010/07/no-less-than-threes-do-not-need-their-moms-247365/
Again, welcome. Please keep speaking up!
I always find it interesting that people think my son will be just devastated when I’m away but fine when my husband is away. There are just so many assumptions that my son will feel close to me and distant from his father, that I am the primary caregiver…. etc. In reality, my son misses both of us when we are away but is mostly fine no matter who is home with him.
I honestly don’t understand how people manage parenting without sharing it equally with their partners — the responsibility and potential guilt for the primary parent is so much! I certainly wouldn’t choose to do it (although, of course, some people do it — because they want to or have to — and do just fine).