I love spending time with my kids, and I think that I’m a fairly good parent. Lyn is a pretty good parent, too. I am thrilled to be parenting with her because she has skills that I don’t have. She draws better boundaries with our four-year-old, Leigh. She worries more about safety and keeps me from doing too many stupid things. She’s great at maintaining connections with other parents.
But collectively, even between two good parents, we still have problem areas. We both talk too much (as a result Leigh talks too much as well). We sometimes let our anxieties get in the way of drawing clear and firm boundaries. Like most parents (mothers in particular), we get wrapped up in chores and forget to just relax with our kids.
But we have a secret weapon: other people take care of our kids! We have two wonderful daycare providers who care for Leigh, listen to her, teach her, and help her to recover from bad habits she learns at home. They talk to us about both Leigh’s progress and her problems, and sometimes they see things that we are too close to see. For us, daycare is not a necessary evil resulting from our need to work, but a blessing that gives many gifts to our whole family. Ira will be starting at daycare in the fall, and we are anticipating lots of help with the terrible two’s (which of course start at one) and with the relationship between Ira and Leigh.
My mom also lives within easy walking distance. Leigh spends every Saturday night with her, and this last spring she cared for Ira one day each week. She has a completely different relationship with both of them than we do. She’s the one that first helped Leigh learn to walk longer distances and to ride the subway without being stuck in a stroller. She was the first to read Leigh a chapter book, and she teaches Leigh to find treasures on every walk and to shop for bargains at Goodwill. She’s not Leigh and Ira’s everyday parent, so she’s a little less irritated and a little more relaxed with them. As our kids grow up, she’ll be a person they can talk to when they don’t feel like they can talk to us.
Having this kind of non-parental care is a huge benefit to our kids, but it benefits us as well. We get to have regular time without our children, and even manage to spend some of that time together. When Leigh returns the next day after a night with grandma, I feel lighter — like I can handle another day of mental and emotional wrestling with a preschooler. We also get a chance to let go and to remember that we’re not in control of every aspect of their lives. You can’t be one of those dreaded helicopter parents* if you are relaxing and letting someone else do the care-taking for a while.
* On the topic of “helicopter parents,” can I say how much I appreciate having one more danger to worry about as a parent? In addition to worrying about BPA, sun exposure, toxic sunscreen, infants locking themselves in the fridge, stranger danger, abusive nannys, and attaching everything in my house to the wall, apparently I also have to worry about worrying too much.
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Right you are Lynn!
An old business acquaintance owns a string of daycare’s,so i called her up one day and asked if i could help her out at one of her locations.I want to learn how to care for infants from people who do it everyday for a living.I’ve read one too many blogs about the crazies of being a first time parent learning as you go and frazzled every minute.Seems hard to enjoy the baby if your bogged down in insecurities and ignorance.
Anyway, i was surprised at all that they do as regular precautions with infants.Even swaddling and which position some babies sleep best in.Forget that on the back a must literature.After a few weeks there i moved to the toddler location next door.Between the yoga class,dance class, arts and crafts class,reading circles and nature day i was surprised at how much more involved daycare’s are in helping kids bloom.Can’t think of another word to describe the joy they have verbalizing their recognition of pictures,numbers,colors,etc.even feeding themselves is a hoot to them.
My opinion of daycare’s has changed for the better,because as you say the non-parenting they do.The only down part is when the daycare points out a kid who isn’t quite where they should be at 2 and the parents don’t put forth the effort to work on it at home.That includes their poor eating habits.How sad is it that a kid eats nothing but take out at home,so he refuses all organic/wholesome foods at daycare.Then parents complain when their kid is left with the infants and the other 2 yr olds move on.
*didn’t mean to hog your blog.The timing on this topic is just very ironic.
I agree with your sentiments wholeheartedly. I think children can learn so much from various people and sources…it’s not necessarily a good thing for them to be with their parents all the time. Time away from us helps us be better parents and makes our time with them more special as well. Plus, they do pick up so much from daycare- from the teachers and the other children. I was so sad about sending Miles to daycare at first, but I see it as such a blessing now.
Strawberry recently posted..Under the Sea
Don’t know if you read this blogger, but she’s witty and this post is right in line with your post.
http://adequateparenting.com/?p=393
nutella recently posted..The kid’ll be all right
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