I’ve realized lately that I am enjoying much more snuggling and physical affection with Ira than I did with Leigh at the same age. There might be lots of reasons for this including my flawed memory and the differences between the two kids. But it also occurred to me yesterday that it might be due in part to the fact that I am not nursing Ira.
Nursing a baby is a bit like going out with someone who is just trying to get you into the sack. When Leigh was nursing, boobs were on her mind constantly. If she got too close to them she opened wide for a snack. And that non-stop physical need can give you that back-off-and-give-me-some-space-here feeling. I enjoyed the physical connection of nursing, but I also felt the burden of that connection.
With Ira I feel very free. I cuddle him, rough house on the floor with him, and give him lots of kisses. He lays on my chest without groping me. We touch and snuggle when we both want to, rather than when he needs to.
As I said, this might just be a function of my creative memory and the fact that Ira is a different baby than Leigh was. I can’t know for sure if nursing is a component unless we have several more babies and I split them up into control and experimental groups. But I have my suspicions. I’d love to hear from other folks on this topic. Any other nursers or former nursers feel similar reactions to the physical demands of nursing? Any non-nursers feel that freedom of affection?
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I only nursed a very short while, but I have to admit this, yes, 100%. I liked the closeness it provided, but I am also the type to get resentful of things that I “have” to do. Add to this that n is a very very lazy and distracted eater (and has been from very early on), and it reinforces it. And she does, in fact, lust after her food. I’d like to use a different word, but that one describes it so well. If there’s food, or a glass of something, or her bottle, she will focus on that and nothing else until she has it has it HAS TO HAVE IT. And I had a moment earlier this week, watching her FREAK THE EFF OUT because the bottle was not getting in her mouth fast enough (and then would go out again, b/c she does this thing when she’s really excited/wants something where she pushes it away and then gets pissed off that it’s going away instead of closer) where I was just SO glad that it was a bottle, and not my boob. Because, even though I know the phase passes, I really can’t deal with the idea of being JUST (or even only mostly just) that to my child.
I love snuggling and kissing and playing with her, I love cuddling up with her when she’s eating, and especially when I’m giving her a pre-bed bottle. There is nothing I love better. And though I don’t think that the relationship we have is better than that of a BF’ing mom, I like to think that it’s amazing and special in its own way because of the relationship we have.
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I only have the experience of being a nursing mother but I would definitely agree with your theory. It is exhausting and frustrating to be seen only as an all you can eat buffet when what you really want is a nice hug or a nighttime cuddle. Now that we’re approaching weaning I am exploring my own ability to say “no, no nursies right now” and it is a freeing moment. Especially since my son is now 15 months old and a genuine toddler with the knowledge of how to access the nursies whenever he wants and it was definitely time to set some boundaries. And the weaning has made him cuddlier, where as his previous physical affection needs were ALL being met by breastfeeding.
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If Michelle actually read blogs, I’m pretty sure she would say you’re right on. When she was the breastfeeding Kyan, she couldn’t use the Bjorn facing in because K would get too frantic for food. Since I wasn’t breastfeeding then, I got to be the primary babywearer, and it was delicious.
With Rilo, they’re free to roughhouse and cuddle without the feeding transaction playing a role. There’s a certain playfullness that is unique and special. Gail, I think you’re on to something!
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_I can’t know for sure if nursing is a component unless we have several more babies and I split them up into control and experimental groups._
This made me giggle quite a bit, but then, I’ve always like the idea of applying scientific standards to ridiculous situations.
Well then you might like http://www.boingboing.net/2010/06/01/the-unreasonable-eff.html
I can see this. Ava is mostly only nursing once a day now that she is 18 months, but sometimes when we’re playing, she’ll turn around and grab at my shirt and pull on it. And I know that if I actually let her nurse, she’d do it for about five seconds before she went back to what she was doing before (then she’d be back five minutes later, nurse for a few more seconds, then back to playing…you get the picture). Those times when she grabs for it (seems like out of nowhere!) are some of the few when I’m so ready to wean her for good.
And I giggled at the control/experimental thing, too. I think you’d need to have twins to really make the experiment work!
I hadn’t thought of it like that before, but it appears that I do have a cuddling advantage over Skye.
I like that you brought this to my attention, and I like the fact that I now think of Blueberry relentlessly trying to get to second base with Skye.
i have only been the non-nursing mom so far, but my wife and i have discussed this many times. not so much the snuggling, but the fact that there’s something to be said for having to “work” for the relationship and affection. i have heard nursing mothers voice fears about nursing being their major bond. while i’ve often envied the nursing relationship between d and our son, i’ve also seen a few perks of my own role.
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I am so gladyou posted this and I passed this little gem along to my partner. She seemed very pleased to have a special advantage to look forward to.
I’ve been nursing Eryn for 11 months now, and we’ve had a few adventures of poor latch due to her tongue tie, a bout of mastitis and negotiating public breastfeeding with me wearing hijab, and recently lots of biting… But I’ve loved every second. She’s not a lap baby, and is always on the go, so really the only time I get to cuddle with her is when she’s nursing to sleep.
Oddly, my Hubby gets to cuddle with her often, while I’m the roughhouser throwing her around and wrestling. I wonder sometimes (jealousy maybe) if it’s becasue he’s not her source of food — but its probably just the differences in our personalities.
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